Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
