Can i not drive my cunt home
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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