she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
