I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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