You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
