the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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