the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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