Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize