you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
