My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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