She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
