I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
