I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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