My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
