hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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