You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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