I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
