We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize