I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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