I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
