Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
