I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
