Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
