Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
