Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
