she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So much Jack, so little girl.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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