her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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