what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
