im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
