Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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