whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
did you just send me my own nude
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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