There was a lot of him and a little penis
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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