I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
