Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
