I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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