I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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