He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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