I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just want nice things and good sex
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
