Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
