Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Houston, we have a squirter
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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