I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
