I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
