i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize