My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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