Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
