Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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