Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize