There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
