How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
