im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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