did you get engaged???
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
