Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
