where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The uberlube is also flammable
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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