I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
