Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
