Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
